`Learning 2 Smile*

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
why are you so boring why is everything so dull why am i so bored why do i feel so irritated what the hell am i looking for. what the hell do i really need. what am i doing here staring at the screen wishing i was somewhere else, why do i feel like a failure, why cant i study, why cant i climb well, why is all the shit happening to me, why am i so fat, i am crazy crazy crazily out of this world out of my mind. why is my nose burnt why are there so many idiots around in this world, why are there ugly people, why are there pretty people, why is the eiffel tower in paris, why is singapore represented by moon and stars, why are the presidents always male, why are the clouds white not green, why does the sky looks blue, why the hell do i need to drink water, why am i so full of stupid questions why is my surname tong, why do i have a brother and a sister, why am i the eldest, am i nothing more than an accident. why do i feel so angry even after i've gotten my way, when can i stop being disappointed in myself and everything i do. why cant i take a knife and chop my dog up, why dont i have the ability to move the aircon away from me, why cant i turn stone into gold or diamond, why do guys give girls soft toys and not the other way round, why do u think i am unhappy. why am i having a splitting headache. why is my laughter different, why is everything so much harder, why are u hiding under a shell, why dont u talk to me, why are you so silly, why must you leave me. why did you detach yourself from me, dont you like me anymore? why do you have to lie when all i needed to hear was already there, why do you have to act like you care, why can i only give blood every 6 months, just take all of me at one shot. why are there so many glasses in my house, why wouldnt the water stop running, why is my phone so full of scars, is it because its mine. why dont i have time to do what i want, why dont i have money to go after what i enjoy, why do i feel so trapped in my body, why is my body so ladden with fats, why is everything so hard to do. why cant i breathe normally, why do i have to spend 2 times the effort to achieve what others have. why do i have this sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach that feels like im dissolving and becoming smaller and smaller every second when nothing is really happening, why am i telling you about how i feel when obviously nobody wants to read all this on my blog. so when u see this big chunk of words full of bullshit and shitload of doubt u turn away and scroll down and leave this page, this is just another place for a retarded person that doesnt know how to enjoy what he has and you are ashamed of this human being. and why the hell do i even bother telling you that i am mad when you really dont get what i am trying to say. why is the terrain green and green and all shades of green, why cant i just sleep for eternity and not wake up until my princess wakes me up with a kiss that removes all the pain and the bad things away. why cant i be blind or crippled or useless in one way or another so that i have the reason to be upset. why cant u just send me away so i wouldnt have to deal with all this shit once again, and i wouldnt have to go through the guiltiness and the irritation and just go back to when i was 3. if life is a journey why cant i back track? why cant i reverse time and go back instead of going front all the time, aint it tiring to keep running on a treadmill when all you're ever going is nowhere? why do i like red instead of blue, or yellow, or green. what is it in me that determines what brand of perform i like, or which side of the pillow do i drool on. why cant i just shut up and get it over with so that you will not have to sit through all these crap and feel your disgust and pity overflow the brim. let it fall let it fall. let it sink to the bottom of the ocean and never surface, let it be buried under layers and layers of self control and shame so that it will never be exposed. pull your hair, crack your head, split your kuckles, pop your blisters, bite your lips, scratch yourself till you see it start to flow. paint a portrait with it and see what it shows. scream your lungs out cry your eyes dry, stuff your nose with tissue and start all over again. why do humans keep on torturing themselves even when they know everything is going to end the same way. why cant we just rot and rot and rot at the place we're most happy in and feel the worms and maggots infest your body, eating your flesh. suck your eye ball and decompose your bones, why do you have to shout? why did i jump whenever i hear your voice, feel your presence, what does new year mean to me when i really am not a fan of fake loyalty and pretenses, what if i am allergic to tangerines, or the red dye on red packets, do i have to go around knocking doors and smiling like this is the best day of my life? what if i dont wanna wear white for my wedding, what if i want my wife and i to be buried 6 feet under on the day itself so we would never have to leave each other and all i can remember is the happy moments, where nothing like bills and kids and quarrels will touch us at all. would u see the people hiding a grimace as we are lowered into the ground, covered with the dirt, would they be happy? because it is our wedding day after all, or will they scream madness when the ones who are mad are the ones that actually feel happy being tortured and tortured over and over again in this process called time. why cant u listen to what i am not saying rather than what i am telling you, what is this all about, being in mine arms so you look good? holding hands and laughing and what is the whole point of falling in love and breaking up and doing it all over again, dont we all need pain to feel alive? and wouldnt a pen knife do the job, or its discarded because it just cant reach deep in enough? why cant i be the one with a terminal disease, so that i would never allow myself the option of wasting time, so i would be bold enough to try whatever catches my fancy because after all, i am going down. slap me if you want, but i can tell you i will be encouraging you and taunting you and daring you to slap me till i lose my consciousness, and you see me standing over myself smiling at you, reaching my boney fingers towards and take you along with me. because you know that deep down that is what you wanted the most. liberation. am i right. knowing me, i am always wrong. i am alone in the room and i feel so scared, i am surrounded by books and i suffocate....
sorry but i am just so, so exhausted.
why cant you just leave me alone.