The funny thing is, though romance appeals to me (I am an advocate of paperback trash novels, go me) I've never been one to really show my feelings. I could have a way with words, but when it came to touch and actually demonstrating love, I could be remarkably cold, maintaining a distance from the person I was supposedly in love with. And funnily enough, that hasn't changed so much now - because around her I'm often dumbstruck. I don't know what to say that'll send her reeling. Words can't come to me, and when they do they don't seem to express the way I feel about her. Somehow I've turned from a creature of logic to one of emotions.
It all feels too damn weird, looking back now. If I thought I was even remotely in love with anyone else, I was so wrong. I know, I know, it's easy to say that when I'm here now, but my brother's always commenting on how distant I was with previous relationships etc etc. With my previous four ex's, I was just... cold. So many feelings and tears and declarations of love were a lie I told to myself, as much as I did to them.
Maybe it was the wall I built around myself after my second heartbreak. The fortress I hid in was one that nobody could seem to penetrate - with towers so high and marksmen who shot you down from so far a distance, walls and layers upon layers of anger and dismissiveness to get through. I am hateful. I have hurt so many. Emotionally erratic. Malicious. Spiteful. Selfish. Temperamental. How did she* cross that bridge, the walls, evading the watchful eyes of the sentinels and find her way to the centre of me? What did she do that seems to make my heart so readily to embrace her ?
I dont know. z.
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