`Learning 2 Smile*

I've been thinking.

I have been a bit more irritable in Dota games lately. A trait I really detest in myself. So I will work on being more chilled out again.

In turn, I get quite irritated when people emo at me also. Hai. Actually my favourite IRC people to play Dota with are Cynthia, Zilch, Fufu, and Mac.

Why, because they don't emo. Well Cynthia spams "emo" or "it's over" throughout when something goes wrong but I don't see her emoing after it. Zilch, Fufu and Mac no need to say. They're Quiet. Simply quiet guys.

I feel less pressure with them. I don't feel that I have to prove myself, and thus I play much better when I'm relaxed. I dc'ed three games in a row and nobody mentioned much except "Lol again!"

And maybe that's my point.

There is a ton of bitching going on, so much that you wonder how people stay united. When someone else besides you is doing badly, you are inevitably pulled into bitching about that person behind his back. To his face, it's the lightest of comments about having to improve. Behind the walls, it's a different story.

So when you're not the one doing badly, it's a relief. But when it's you who's not performing up to par, you get the chilling feeling that it's gonna be you that's bitched about. For sure, in the same way you've bitched about someone else, or worse.

My silencer sucked yesterday night. I shall stick to glaive stats from now on. Then again, my farming has never been good, and I often underutilise my Midas. Maybe I should just not make it, otherwise I have to learn to use it properly. In lane, I couldn't seem to get the timing right, and my damage wasn't that high. End up with Cass getting most of the last hits, or worse, the enemy qop denying it.

I chose not to play the next game, even though it was just a pub.

Instead, I went on BNet and played a pub with Keith and co, using silencer. Glaive stats. The game ended with leavers, but I farmed second to Alvin, and that's with an annoying ass Zeus in my lane screwing up my timing.

It's not that I don't like training. I think I used to, till all the politics began to wear me down. I can feel animosity that never used to be there. I actually am relieved when I dc from a game. I shouldn't be feeling that.

I know I'm not the best farmer or support or whatever, and certainly not the best player, or would ever be. But I don't pass bitchy comments to get a person down, and I don't criticise someone's playing out of malice. I get sianz when it happens, to me or anyone else. Maybe my mistake has been not pointing it out and trying to eradicate it.

Sigh, maybe I should just shut up before I get blasted even further.