`Learning 2 Smile*

Was browsing through some blogs and a very very nostalgic song suddenly played on one girl's blog.

Vertical Horizon - Best I Ever Had.

It's been such a long time since the heartache that prompted me to listen to that song and play it over and over back then. Along with every other breakup song. Shu Ting was such a long time ago and for such a short time that I'm still surprised by the effect that she had on me, the aftermath of loving her that still sorta stings today.

When she left me it felt like part of me died. She was my first love, though I had liked other grils before her, she was the first where I felt that it was really something. I knew I'd never get back together with her, I knew she'd never love me the same way, but hell, I wanted her to. I wanted her back so much. And for the next three and a half years, I was numb to all other pain but the grief of losing her. I'd wake up and whisper to myself, I still can't believe we're over. And when I dated Nina, and then Venessa, nothing came close to matching that spark that I had in me for Shu Ting. Nobody, it seemed, could hold a candle to her. Resolve dwindled into despair, and I wondered if I'd ever truly get over her enough to love someone again.

But after that long, silent grieving period of five years, it lifted. And I realised that yes, hearts do heal, somehow. And I finally began to love again, falling in love with someone who was always there, who was never anxious to speed up the grieving process or write it off, who understood how difficult it was to leave memories behind, who never worried that the remnants of my past would make me stop loving her.

To you. It was so long ago, and I just got reminded of you today because of a song - Best I Ever Had. It's a nice song, but the lyrics are empty now because you no longer have a place in my life, and because you certainly aren't the best. I still wonder what it was about you that made me fall in love with you so. You certainly weren't the first person I cared for, but I poured my heart out for you for the first time. But I'm happy now that it wasn't meant to be. Looking back, you weren't the one for me, and would never be. I will always remember you, and how you used to make me feel. But those feelings seem tiny, in comparison to what I've got now. I don't know how you are now, what you're doing, who you're with. But I hope you're happy now. I don't always think you deserve the happiness, but with all the love I used to have for you, I hope you're happy.

To you. The thought of you still leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I really really tried to love you, really tried to push any other feelings aside for you to be the one person in my life. All that I did and tried for you, was nothing to you. Everything I did was wrong. I wonder what it is you really wanted from me. My adoration? Worship? I did not ask of you half of what you demanded of me. I just wanted you to be healthy. Emotionally, mentally and physically. I loved you, I really think I did. But I was so broken still, and still you beat me down again and again till I was so emotionally tired. I wonder what I could've done to make you happy. How perfect I had to be to satisfy you. How much I was supposed to love you for it to be enough to make up for every other relationship that you destroy. It was never enough, and never would've been. I hope someday you realise that while I had my fair share of problems, the true problem didn't just lie with you, it was you.

To you. I'm sorry, I really am, for what I did to you. It hit me about how much pain I could've spared you, and how I really could've been a better boyfriend and human being to you. I did it all wrong, from the beginning to the end, I was living a lie with you because you was never truly mine. I thought I was, but... I don't know. One day I just woke up and realised I didn't love you. Realised I'd been faking everything, all that time. But I didn't know how to let you down. I lied and led you on for so long, thinking I was doing you a favour when really I was just killing you slowly. I'm so sorry, for all that I did, and for detaching myself so much that eventually I couldn't even empathise with your pain, by the time I left. I was your first love, and I pray that you find someone much better than me who loves you the way I never could.

And finally, to you. I guess this is it. This is where the road was supposed to take me. Here's where the song of my life changes. With you I feel safe, with you I can see how blind I've been before. And can safely say I've never loved anyone the way I love you. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan, that is coming true

Every long lost dream pointed to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you.