So I haven't blogged in, comparably ages?

A lot's been happening. Ups and downs. I am having my attachment now. While I don't have a large source of income currently, I am rather relieved. I don't know what I'm going to do now. I still think I need to see a psychologist for my suspected ADD. I read out the symptoms to my brother and mom and they were laughing like crazy because everything just sounds like me. D'oh. Anyway, I dont have a break now from doing anything. And I've been spending almost no time with her - something I had to go without while I was at work. It's not that I'm not used to it.But somehow, I was always miserable this time. Maybe I'm getting too dependent on her. Again. But oh well. I'm not enjoying this period, while it lasts.

The dust settles on -that- one argument, and things go back to relatively normal. But some things, can they go back to the way they once were? I dunno. Forgiveness is one thing. And I don't feel angry anymore. But really, I'll watch myself from now on. Cause I'll never know the things people say about me.

I had a much needed talk with Venessa. On stuff that's been bugging me for awhile. Again, another thing lifted off my chest. It's not just relationship stuff. It's other things as well. I don't know why other people seem to have this need to pass comments on our relationship. You're not me or her - what would you know about what goes on with us? You really can't judge things by how they look from your point of view, so stop doing so. Cause it's really discouraging to try so hard at this relationship and then have other people forming their own opinions about us and what we're doing wrong. When it comes to this relationship, it seems like only my gan mei understands me at times. Sorry but I'm not a robot, okay? I'm not the perfect boyfriend. If anyone thinks he can do with a better one, you're welcome to be her boyfriend or find some awesome boy that she likes, who would love her just as much as I do. Anyone who could do better is welcome to take my spot. Cause last I checked, nobody else was trying as hard as I am to make her happy... Im still in the office at this wee hours! Doing the last preparation for this wcg! /cry

Wish that you were here. Everything seems more clear with you around. I care less about things I shouldn't care about. You make sense.

I don't know what to make of it, I'm just glad that you'll be fine. I should've protected you better, but well, it's too late to think about that now.

I'm troubled. I don't know what to make of this. I feel it's my fault, for blowing things up. But would it have been better to be just simmering beneath the surface? Maybe I'm in no position to decide that.

When you're here, when I'm feeling your heart beat, when I have your hand in mine, when I'm surrounded by the love that I know all too well, it will be alright. You have always been, the only one who could make me stop crying.

Work piling up on me. When I am at home all I wanna do is stone. I've been grumpy. Very grumpy.

It amazes me, how some people can gain the same/more money than I get from full time blogging when what they write is crap, really.

They have their posts cut off halfway so I have to click a link to see everything in full instead of just seamlessly reading it all. Tell me, how is that feature good? It makes your blog tiring and super annoying.

They have ads ALL over which pisses the hell out of me, and sometimes when you're reading the blog halfway it takes you to an ad page which you, again, have to click to get back to what you're reading. Seriously, do you think this is fun?

And then they're boring. Boring boring I am snoring. They go to some stupid event and act all excited, take scores of pictures of themselves... Oh man, the pictures of some of them. D: I mean, if you're not hot, please stop pretending to be. It's sick. I have to admit that despite being a vapid, self centered racist bitch, Xiaxue is a guilty pleasure. You're drawn to reading it just to have someone to laugh at. But some people are just so.. ugh, disliked AND boring.

But the most irritating thing about full time bloggers is how they lose their honesty. From advertorials about products and services that never deliver, to blogging about things they have no interest in just to fill up space or get audiences, to using terms they'd never use in real life to sound more intelligent. -yawns-

How do these people make money again?

We've run out of coffee in the house. The reaction to this is violent. Wahaha. Guess you can't separate gamers and their coffee.
It was 4am in the morning... I was washing my cup when my brother walked into the kitchen and opened the box where the coffee capsules are, picking up a decaf pack. "Eee, what is this?" he asked in disgust, holding the packet gingerly like it was a dirty sock.
"Decaf. We're out of coffee!"
"WHAT?!" and he pretends to keel over and die. Lol. Well I've been functioning without my peach and lemon tea and I'm fine!
Nobody drinks tea in my house. Nobody appreciates the awesomeness of tea. I just made myself a cup.
Argh ITPM test!

Some quotes from The Class. When the girl was talking to the guy about his ex fiance and he had like a box of her clothes all nicely folded to give back to her.

"I get it. That's why you're being so nice to her. You're trying to FOLD YOUR WAY BACK INTO HER LIFE!"

HAHAHAHA damn funny I laughed my ass off at the way she said it.

If there was one thing that shocked me about the way I am with Venessa, is that I am a sucker for affection. I give it freely, and I yearn for it. I was always a words person before, but now I find that hidden part of myself, and realise I am a touch person. I have to be physically close to her, I have to keep her in my line of sight even when talking to someone else, or I feel uncomfortable. I can't go without hugs, without kisses, without smelling her hair, without flicking her nose or poking her in the tummy. And I feel incomplete if I got none of that in return, if she didn't poke my bellybutton or fiddle with my shirt sleeve, or let her fingers flutter at my side when he passes me.

The other day after work, we were on the escalator and I felt her like the first time we'd held hands. I barely even remember the first time I held hands with her but this day felt like a first. When I reach for her hand, it is warm and dry and comforting like a cozy home after running through the rain. But it isn't the familiarity that strikes me, it is the fact that I still feel a jolt of electricity as her fingers comb through mine. I still feel that rush of the feeling I can only describe as 'whoa' when I hold her around her waist, and every inch of contact is felt so clearly like it's the very first time. It is that pride I feel as I look around and wonder if anyone notices that I'm holding the hand of this gift, this masterpiece.

I feel like a rambling, starstruck fanboy. I would like to be more coherent, really I would, but it is too much fun being in love and having hearts in my eyes. I don't want to see things through anyone else's eyes, I don't want to gag at the idea of love roll my eyes at such things, I don't want to ever forget what being crazy about her feels like because then I go back to a world of grayscale.

Was browsing through some blogs and a very very nostalgic song suddenly played on one girl's blog.

Vertical Horizon - Best I Ever Had.

It's been such a long time since the heartache that prompted me to listen to that song and play it over and over back then. Along with every other breakup song. Shu Ting was such a long time ago and for such a short time that I'm still surprised by the effect that she had on me, the aftermath of loving her that still sorta stings today.

When she left me it felt like part of me died. She was my first love, though I had liked other grils before her, she was the first where I felt that it was really something. I knew I'd never get back together with her, I knew she'd never love me the same way, but hell, I wanted her to. I wanted her back so much. And for the next three and a half years, I was numb to all other pain but the grief of losing her. I'd wake up and whisper to myself, I still can't believe we're over. And when I dated Nina, and then Venessa, nothing came close to matching that spark that I had in me for Shu Ting. Nobody, it seemed, could hold a candle to her. Resolve dwindled into despair, and I wondered if I'd ever truly get over her enough to love someone again.

But after that long, silent grieving period of five years, it lifted. And I realised that yes, hearts do heal, somehow. And I finally began to love again, falling in love with someone who was always there, who was never anxious to speed up the grieving process or write it off, who understood how difficult it was to leave memories behind, who never worried that the remnants of my past would make me stop loving her.

To you. It was so long ago, and I just got reminded of you today because of a song - Best I Ever Had. It's a nice song, but the lyrics are empty now because you no longer have a place in my life, and because you certainly aren't the best. I still wonder what it was about you that made me fall in love with you so. You certainly weren't the first person I cared for, but I poured my heart out for you for the first time. But I'm happy now that it wasn't meant to be. Looking back, you weren't the one for me, and would never be. I will always remember you, and how you used to make me feel. But those feelings seem tiny, in comparison to what I've got now. I don't know how you are now, what you're doing, who you're with. But I hope you're happy now. I don't always think you deserve the happiness, but with all the love I used to have for you, I hope you're happy.

To you. The thought of you still leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I really really tried to love you, really tried to push any other feelings aside for you to be the one person in my life. All that I did and tried for you, was nothing to you. Everything I did was wrong. I wonder what it is you really wanted from me. My adoration? Worship? I did not ask of you half of what you demanded of me. I just wanted you to be healthy. Emotionally, mentally and physically. I loved you, I really think I did. But I was so broken still, and still you beat me down again and again till I was so emotionally tired. I wonder what I could've done to make you happy. How perfect I had to be to satisfy you. How much I was supposed to love you for it to be enough to make up for every other relationship that you destroy. It was never enough, and never would've been. I hope someday you realise that while I had my fair share of problems, the true problem didn't just lie with you, it was you.

To you. I'm sorry, I really am, for what I did to you. It hit me about how much pain I could've spared you, and how I really could've been a better boyfriend and human being to you. I did it all wrong, from the beginning to the end, I was living a lie with you because you was never truly mine. I thought I was, but... I don't know. One day I just woke up and realised I didn't love you. Realised I'd been faking everything, all that time. But I didn't know how to let you down. I lied and led you on for so long, thinking I was doing you a favour when really I was just killing you slowly. I'm so sorry, for all that I did, and for detaching myself so much that eventually I couldn't even empathise with your pain, by the time I left. I was your first love, and I pray that you find someone much better than me who loves you the way I never could.

And finally, to you. I guess this is it. This is where the road was supposed to take me. Here's where the song of my life changes. With you I feel safe, with you I can see how blind I've been before. And can safely say I've never loved anyone the way I love you. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan, that is coming true

Every long lost dream pointed to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you.

Someone asked me yesterday how I know when someone's love for me is fading. It's one of those questions you hate thinking about because then you start wondering if that's what's going on in your own relationship.

At the end of the day though, I generally think people have their own way of showing love, which sorta evolves throughout a relationship. A person may not say the sickeningly sweet things they used to say when you first started dating, but you know the person loves you by the other things they do for you, like calling you on the way to your place to see if you want any food they could pick up on the way, or praying for you every day, stuff like that. And so often these things are stuff you don't really notice, because the kind of love actions that come with time usually are subtle, yet they mean more than sweet words ever could.

When a relationship begins, the person is trying to impress you, plus you're someone new and exciting, so naturally they will have the energy to sit with you throughout your six hour pedicure, or show up at your house uninvited with wine and roses. But like many things, these are planned gestures, or the kind of thing which usually takes some sitting down and going, "What will I do for him/her today?" And when things eventually get stable and stuff you don't spend every waking moment trying to do things out of love, you just... do them. And it may not be as showy as the stuff you do at first, but it's still acts of love and care. But of course once in awhile you'll do something special, when there's an occasion or whatever. But people who expect the same kind of hopelessly romantic actions throughout a relationship have a pretty one-tracked idea of love, in my opinion.

And it was one thing that my ex just couldn't grasp. Her idea of love meant showering me with gifts, giving me every single thing I wanted, liking everything I liked. In turn, I had to appreciate everything she enjoyed, from basketball, 'N' Roses to clubbing, and if we were together we had to do the same thing. I couldn't be playing the computer while she watched tv, I had to watch it with her. I couldn't disagree on what music we liked, I had to like what she liked or I was just a plain bimbo or being stubborn and rebellious. I couldn't hang out with friends if she was free to hang out with me, and I couldn't tell her not to drink or smoke because that meant I was trying to change her or make her miserable and not respecting her 'needs'.

When someone doesn't want you to drink or smoke, is it because they hate you or because they care? Some people just don't get that people try to make you stop something because they love you, not cause they're out to get you. Some people don't get that their way of showing love doesn't mirror everyone else's. :\

I made the mistake of talking to my ex, though helpful in what I asked her, she's kind of a pushy businesswoman. Aha.

Some things don't change, apparently.

It's been quite awhile since I began this blog, and it's my best blog so far. Honestly, it's nice to have strangers and friends alike who tell me it's a pleasure reading my blog, or that my posts feel 'real'.

At times I feel that this blog was the only way I could express myself. I don't talk much in real life and when problems crop up, I find it very difficult to ask someone for help directly, or go to even my darling(s) directly and tell her, "Hey this is bothering me." It was always easier to just write it down and whoever read it whenever they were free and then talk to me about it again when they wanted to. I don't do well talking face to face when conversation interruptions spoil my momentum because it leaves me speechless and I don't get to say all that I think and feel.

It was also a way for me to seek different opinions, and honestly a lot of the advice and feedback I received was really invaluable. This was advice I would never have dared to ask for, simply because it just isn't easy to ask. As I've mentioned before, I'm not the type to call someone up to chat about problems unless it's really dire.

In some ways this blog has kept me sane. Knowing I'm reaching someone with what I write, knowing I wasn't screaming at some wall or writing in a diary that nobody would ever read gave me some measure of comfort, because I knew I wasn't alone.

But as always, good things will come to an end. Currently I'm debating with myself to shut down this blog. After some things that have been said, I wondered if maybe I should learn to talk about it rather than write it. I don't know. I still haven't figured it out totally, and I wonder how on earth to survive without this avenue of expression that I've created for myself.

If I do close it down, it'll be within the week.

Whatever happens, y'all have been great readers. It's always nice to receive insightful comments, to know that someone cares enough to say something. It always has been great to have people tell me that they're touched by something I wrote. It did matter to me, and it still does. It's just that some things matter more than how I feel. Thanks for everything.

-takes a bow-

It's funny how easy it is to make the same mistakes over and over again. Not only are we hopeless at learning from others' mistakes, we're incompetent at learning from our own.

I think I've been in love or 'love' enough times to know that it's so hard to pinpoint whether this is real love or not. I thought I was in love with Shu Ting and to be honest I think that was the only time I was ever really crazy about one of my ex's. But I didn't love her for who she was truly, I loved the person she had been to me, early in our relationship, when she was sweet and shy, warm and affectionate. Not the cold, indifferent person she turned into when she decided she didn't like me all that much. I thought I was in love with Venessa, but it was just, well sort of a rebound mixed with the fact that I didn't like who she actually was, I just liked who she was made out to be.

I don't believe in soulmates, or that 'one' person in the world for me.

Is love enough to keep a relationship alive? No, I don't think so. Someone asked me a question today, whether anyone outside the relationship would ever understand the depth of the couple's love. I don't know about depth, but I don't think anyone would understand what I FEEL without actually being in my position. It's difficult to put yourself in the other person's shoes especially for feelings so intense. But is that a bad thing? No, I don't think so.

Shu Ting was probably the biggest risk in love I've ever taken because it is the only time I really threw my heart out on the line and just hoped for the best. It was the only time I looked at defeat straight in the face and said, "Screw you, I'm taking this chance." But well, it turned out...

I will continue this later. Probably.

Male PMS. Sighhh.

Seriously, if your whole team decides to random and keep your heroes, no matter how shitty your heroes may be, then don't bitch at us when any of us picks or repicks our heroes. Don't act like you're somehow 'better' than us because you random'ed or because we're 'too tactical' and we don't give chance in games. Don't tell me that being competitive takes the fun out of playing. I'll tell you what is my definition of fun.

1) Getting a hero I like.
2) Not getting a hero I totally can't use and feel hopeless at.
3) Not feeding..
4) Playing well..
5) Winning..

If you ask me, you're just sore about losing, and THAT takes the fun out of playing for you. Don't come up with all this other bullshit. It's -ap. You can pick any hero you want. Just because you didn't take that advantage doesn't make you the Mother Theresa of gaming. Shit happens, especially when randoming. That's why I repick and not leave it to chance. Oh and you can't win every game. Accept that, and get over it.

I know this is a morbid subject for Valentine's Day week, but I've been thinking about what happens when the love of my life dies.

Yes, I'm touching all sorts of wood and repeating: "Choi!!" as I write this.

What do you do when your soulmate is unexpectedly taken away from you in his prime?

How do you say goodbye to the girl of your dreams and start anew without him?

In the new treacly romantic comedy P.S I love you, based on the best-selling chick-lit novel by Cecilia Aher, Hialry_Swank plays Holly, a happily married New Yorker who suddenly loses her iris hubby Gerry (Gerrad Butler) to a brain tumour. She is utterly berefit until she receives a series of letters from her departed hubby that are delivered at key moments during her first year of windowhood.

It turns out it's all part of his pre-arranged grand plan to help her adjust to a new life. Somehow, while battling terminal cancer, he was selfless enough to think ahead and guides her through the grieving process and onto a journey of rediscovery.

Hmm, what if a dead girl reaches out from beyond her grave with a laundry list of instructions telling me what to do in order is to appreciate a second shot at life?

I think its properly the most romanticwonderfuluntimate act of love, the best gift that one could ever receive. The best way to show your husband you love him when you're on the brink of death isnt with a new car or a candlelight dinner, but by giving her back his life.. So if my future-wife ever sent me posthumous missives, I'd like to see stuff like this.

Love, Splurge on a cool new outfit then go out and party with your best friends
Now, a green light from your wife to go party is almost like receiving a sign from God.

Knowing me, I'd turned into a miserable moping little hermit. I'd be curled up in bed, either in a state of vegetation or wallowing in my big fat self-pitying tears. I would be eating instant noodles every day out of our in our increasingly unkempt house, wearing the same pyjamas for a week and ignoring my handphone. I'd want to be alone with my memories of her and watch Ghost over and over again.

Retail therapy, good company, loud music, free-flowing alcohol and a babe could certainly get her out of my system and kick my butt back into civilisation.

Love, Go on a prepaid holiday to Rome, New York, Maldives and all our other vacation spots.
It's the perfect excuse to take an even longer break from work and see these places with fresh eyes.Sometimes, in order to move forward, you have to take your own sweet time to reminisce about the past.

Love I have a secret stash of cash, stocks, bonds and property - and it's all yours.
Now thats what I call Wife Of The Year material.Someone who meticulously takes care of your financial needs way in advance and provides for you on rainy days.

Love, throw away all my clothes so you will have more closet space.
A womans clothes can take up the whole closet, but this is a tough one. Remember the least scene of Brokeback Mountain? You cant help but want to hold on to any remaining pieces of someone just to feel that tiny bit closer. But I cant be smeling her sweaters and wearing her tubes and g-strings because then where would I put my cool new outfits from Letter No.1 ?

And Finally, I give you permission to love again.
How wonderful is it to get back into the dating game? Well, I guess I just have to pray that my wife goes first and Im the one left to "Suffer". =P

P.S: You know I love you!

It's so painful, to break up with a person. To try to be 'just friends' and pretend you're only laughing as a friend when she cracks a joke. To try and pretend that you're okay, and to say you're okay and resist the urge to burst into tears when she asks if you are. To wish that her concern is something more, when she's just trying not to hurt you as much as possible. To watch her hands and you wonder, why is it that when you took her hand in yours, you never cherished the feeling of her palm, of her fingers that lace through yours and wrap over your hand, a protective seal that's now been torn off. To act nonchalant when she enters the room and comes over to talk to your group of friends, when you're really just anxious for her to catch your eye. To not notice when her hand touches yours when she passes, ever so slightly.

When every last damn fibre of your being wants to be hers so much that you'd kill yourself if it just won her freaking pity, but instead, you bury the picture of her and you under your pillow, fingers touching it so it won't disappear in the night like she did.

Instead, you pick up whatever dignity you have left, knowing that a word from her will send it falling down again. For months, years, you have lived your life as half of a perfect, whole couple, and now, you are forced to go on as just the half, making do with the shreds of her left behind, pieces of her which you now call, memories.

And you will cling to those memories fiercely as you do the shirt you let her wear, the smell of her that lingers on the shirts you were wearing the last time she hugged you, the little Neoprint stickers that you carefully pasted in your nicest notebook, where now the handwritten captions are smudged with tears. You will cling to the memories secretly, till someone else comes along, and you can throw the old letters, the shirt, the jewellery, the flattened rose, the ribbon that wrapped your birthday package.

But deep in your heart, a tiny pang of sorrow sweeps through with a hushed whisper, like the sound you think you hear when a candle flame dies. All that remains of that tiny hope for a love once lost, is gone. But the scars. oh the scars, they'll stay forever.

A little update of my life. Went on a Genting trip with Company the weekend b4. The trip was amazing. The best Genting trip I ever had in my life. Its the first time I went on a holiday without my parents. No nagging, No restrictions, No parents! Yea. I got to do a lot of stuff I cant possibility do with them around.

The trip was only meant for Managers and above. But Ms Jasmine was nice enough to allow Yan Ru and Me to go for the Trip. So nice of her la! What's more, we are the only 3 from Taurus de team. Most of the guys were from Bison. All of them initially looked unfriendly and gives the dontcomenearme, donttalktome kinda look. But as we get to know each other better, we bonded just like super glue. Most of them are smokers, or rather all of us are smokers. Some of us, like me wanted to act Guai Kia in front of Ms Jasmine and Ms Jessy and Yan Ru they all so we smoked secretly in the room. =) The room stinks to the 9th heaven la!

On the 2nd day, we went to the outdoor theme park. Ms Jessie was HORRIBLE! She took out the map of all the rides and then pointing at all the thrill rides. I was.. lost. I have never been on any roller coaster rides b4. Im one of those who looked strong on the outside and weak on the inside. Worst. Everyone, including Yan Ru was like.. So excited la. Eventually, I have to put up a strong front and took the rides with them. Break Limitation yea.. To my surprise, I got addicted to "COckScrew" the rollercoaster ride. I took the ride 3 times with the 2 gals la. Shiok! Ahha. Worst challenge to take "Spaceshot" The one that brings u up vertically to the 15th floor and drop u down. Like Committing suicide la. lol. Fun Fun!

Night time was.. erm... Romantic? Beacuse Ms Jasmine and Ms Jessy went to the Casino leaving Yan Ru alone and she's afraid to stay in her hotel room alone. Thus, she came over to my room. And god! She said, she wanna bath.. Then she grab her clothes and went into the bathroom. "The door cannot lock, dont come in hor!" She shouted. I was like =.= Wa lau.. A guy and a gal together in a hotel room and the gal's bathing without locking the door. WTH la! Worst, she came out saying pants very short. I was almost going GAGAing. x.x. Mayb I was too tired that night, wanted to sleep and couldnt care less. I separated the bed (Act Gentlemen), and off the lights. Then she started shouting, Ah tong.. Too Dark... Cant get to sleep blah blah blah blah.. -Couldnt stand her- Wanted to much to confess to her lor, wanted to much to hug her that night. But Bu ke yi! Company rules says no BRG! and she will properly reject me cuz we are both fighting for our mananger position. Argh! Wonder how long I can hold on, seeing the girl u like everyday at work and yet have to act like you dont care. What-ever...

No words can describe the feeling, the emotion, the fun and everything about this trip. Its memories that will stay with me for years to come.

Humm.. Its been so long since I wrote in such casual tone. Felt nice. Felt good...

Projects + work = Project work!

I wanna sleep!
I wanna sleep!
I wanna sleep!
I wanna sleep!
I wanna sleep!
I wanna sleep!
I wanna sleep!
I wanna sleep!
I wanna sleep!
I wanna sleep!
I wanna sleep!
I wanna sleep!
I wanna sleep!
I wanna sleep!
I wanna sleep!
I wanna sleep!

Humm.. Hope its not too late to have a New Year's resolution.. Aww, wait.. I didn't have a New Year's resolution, but here are some goals for this year!

* Get more involved with company and climbing to my desired position

* Improve my relationship with my family members

* Up my monthly household contribution to $300

* Save up money for my future

* Make real friends

* Gain some weight

* Get my car lisence

* Exercise more and hopefully train up some muscles!

Yeah that should be it :D

On another note, I have a new item on my wishlist. An evo or a skyline! Cant decide which one, though. From all the speculation, what I'd love on the upcoming Sept one would be:

* Becoming company's car achiever and owning a ridiculously tuned car.

Sounds nice. :D

It is late when I get home, the clock says 13:00. I wonder how far that belief about the unluckiness of 13 goes. It certainly seems to ring true for tonight. I trudge up the stairs to the bedroom, not really bothering to be quiet. Yen rarely is awakened by sounds; it takes me all of ten minutes every morning to shake her awake.

Yen. I open the door a crack and hear her soft breathing. Pushing the door open, I step in and close it behind me as quietly as I can, not to avoid waking her, but so I can keep listening to the sounds of her slumber. Moving to the side of her bed, I watch her for a few moments more, then place my hand on top of hers. I can feel her pulses, her heartbeat. Its so warm and loving listening to the heart that she said I held in the palm of my hand, taking comfort in the one thing in life that I always could've counted on.

It strikes me this instant that I am thinking of it in past tense, when the last time I curled up in her arms to listen to that heart was just yesterday. But the events of tonight have put the things that I thought would always be present, into the past. I wonder if in her sleep, she can smell me, and the scent of someone else on me. I wonder if she would wake up tomorrow and feel that something's different about me, that for one night since the day I became hers, I was someone else's.

I tear my eyes and my hand away from her, desperate to find something else to think about, just to get away from what I've lost. My fingers find the desk lamp; the click of the switch seems so loud in this silence. The scattered sheets of paper and books are illuminated, a page on a paint catalogue screams out at me with a myriad of squares in different colours. My eyes are drawn to a square in a peachy pink colour which Yen has circled, but it is not this which holds my attention, but the colour right below it.

Slate grey. So dark a grey, it's almost black if you look at it too long, or maybe just not long enough. I reach out and touch the square, it's plastic-smooth under my fingers, and I realise this is the colour of life. That little bit of white mixed in makes you stick around for more to come, but sometimes you wish it was just completely black, so you could just give up on it.

© 2008 Fanshu. All rights reserved.